Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
