My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
