I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
