WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
