I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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