Jerry, you need to find god
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
