After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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