i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
