I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
