Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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