Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Randomize
