She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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