I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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