Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
