I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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