I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Screwed.edu
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
