I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
