Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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