Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
