I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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