Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
