apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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