I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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