I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
