i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
