You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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