he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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