I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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