He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
