he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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