Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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