??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
