Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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