She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
