they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
