i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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