I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
