He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
