my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
