Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
