My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
