Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
