I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
