All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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