apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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