Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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