i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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