i was born a porn star she said
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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