if i can run in heels then i can drive
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
soo... how was my night?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
