Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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