I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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