So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize