Welp...herpes.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
