I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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