Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
