the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
