I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
what day is it and did you see me today?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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