dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
