if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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