dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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