i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
