I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
