I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
